I would like some advice on how to beat Mugsy Bouges in a game of basketball.
First, I would like to tutor my basketball challenged followers about diminutive Muggsy Bogues. Tyrone Curtis Muggsy Bogues was the shortest basketball player in the NBA. He played for four different NBA teams, but was famous mainly for his stint as a Charlotte Hornet Point Gaurd. At 5 feet and 3 inches, he was a force to be reckoned with (just imagine an Oompa-Loompa with the speed of the Road Runner, the distribution skills of a great middle manager, and the shooting prowess of... um... a brick?).
Bob, you are in luck today as I have five ways to help you out! First off, there are quite a few ways to interpret your plea for help:
1) You want to score more points than, or otherwise school Muggsy Bogues while competing against each other on separate teams during a game of Basketball.
2) Using a weapon or your bare fists, you wish to inflict physical harm to Muggsy during a game of Basketball.
3) Using mind games as a corporate head honcho, you use Basketball as a tool to crush Muggsy's employment.
We will start with the conventional first interpretation as the basis for the first three methods leading to victory over Tyrone Bogues.
The first method to ever absolutely crush Muggsy on court was employed by Aliens. They came to Earth and used magic to steal Muggsy's talent. He thus became a bumbling, clumsy, and slow pipsqueek who had the basketball talent of a four year old. This is perhaps the easiest way to "School" Muggsy. For further information on utilizing this method, read http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Jam. WARNING: If you are a Christian or are around them, using this method could lead to death. Siphoning talent using magic infers that you are a Wizard. Leviticus 20:27 states:
A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.
Our second method: Pay Michael Jordan, Labron James, Dwight Howard, and Mr. T (just because he is the coolest guy in the world) to team up with you and beat Muggsy and four chumps in a game. It helps if you are a Russian Billionaire and own a basketball team (re: New Jersey Nets).
Third: Blackmail Muggsy into looking bad so your friends think you are awesome. You would need to know a good Private Investigator and Muggsy would actually have to do something bad. So you discover Muggsy's personal issues, walk up to Mr. Bogues and say something along these lines, "Hey, I saw you littering green paper into that plate they handed out in that weird building you went to last Sunday" or "I have pictures of you attempting to kidnap an old lady! Yeah, that time you dragged her across the street and then ran away!"
The fourth way to beat Muggsy involves the second interpretation. Wait, what? My editor wont let me write anything explaining how to physically harm a celebrity. Oh, snap!
The fifth and last method to beating Muggsy in Basketball (using the third interpretation): Create a WNBA franchise named the Charlotte Sting (this is a Woman's NBA league). Hire Muggsy Bogues to be the head coach of the Sting. Move your team to another city, and fold the WNBA franchise. Muggsy is now an unemployed sucker, MUHAHAHAHA! You used the sport of Basketball, playing a mind game with Muggsy and other Charlotteans, to cause financial duress to Mr. Bogues.
Bob, I hope one of these five methods is to your liking. As we know, there is absolutely no way to just be a better basketball player than Muggsy Bogues. I mean it isn’t like his knees are super brittle and his speed now quite unimpressive. Nope, no way can you just defeat him in a pickup game at the YMCA!
~ Essage
As usual, email questions or requests for advice to thessage@yahoo.com. I will post to this blog ANY advice on a daily basis pending emails.
