Money and How to Earn it!

Our first question comes from Jill, the famous thief from Neverland (for some reason I doubt the varacity of Jill's location. We all know she is really from Florida):

I just got out of a ten year stint in jail and I need to make some dough. What advice can you give me?

Jill, Jill, Jill. Considering you met me while pointing a gun at my heart and taking my wallet, I have a feeling that you like the more... ahem... adventurous methods of cash retrieval. Unless of course you meant a literal translation for dough. In that case, you should probably consult a baker, not myself.

The road to making money is fraught with perils and unspeakable hardships. First off, since you love adventure, you absolutely need to do some prep work. A lot of opportunities depend on your age.

Say, if you were young enough (could convincingly act between 16 and 24), you could:
1) Create some fake ids
2) Perfect an English accent (bonus points for Australian)
3) Send letters out to various Churches along the Eastern Seaboard, announcing that you are an exchange student looking for a home for the Summer
4) GET TO THE AIRPORT BEFORE YOUR VIC... er... TARGETS ARRIVE TO PICK YOU UP. This is by far the most important part of the job
5) Work your way into the family's circle of friends
6) When any of the family or friends go on vacation, have your BF drive up from Miami and take everything you can fence or sell. Preferably leave the host family for last
7) Leave and get several states away

PROFIT!

For this to work, you need to make sure your boyfriend doesn't call and taunt the host families after your grand acting tour. Otherwise the police will get tipped off and trace the phone line back to your bf and the two of you will inevitably end up without your hard earned cash.

Now Jill, since you are fresh off a ten year stint in jail, this might be a tough road to follow. You could try a very similar English Nanny permutation to the above blueprint for theft success.

Or you could go to college, get a job, avoid causing untold distrust in young children, have a happy and fulfilled life, actually accrue wealth with a long term pattern of growth, and avoid jail altogether. Who am I to tell you what to do though? The choice is yours.

*DISCLAIMER: No advice prior up to the previous paragraph in this column should be taken seriously.

~Essage

Send your advice questions to thessage@yahoo.com